Higher Education
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

Mathematical Transforms
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.

On Youth
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar in my desk."
-- Stephen King, 3/8/90

Medicine
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
-- Jay Leno

Spirituality
The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

Problem Solving
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
--Abraham Maslow

Materialism
He who dies with the most toys, is nonetheless, still dead.

Religious Practices
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

Infinity
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

Economics
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

On Publishing or Perishing
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University

Revisionist History
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

Lamentation
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

On Modernism
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

On Extinction
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Literature
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
--Dorothy Parker

Humility
To err is human, to moo bovine.

Prophecy
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

On Numbers
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3; not even for very large values of 2.

and, finally, World Politics
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.