• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
  -- Oscar Wilde
• A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
  -- William James
• When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
  -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In Hell'' by Matt Groening
• Suppose you were an idiot.....
  And suppose you were a member of Congress................
  But I repeat myself.
  -- Mark Twain
• The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
  -- William Clayton (a.k.a. Billy The Kid)
• If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
  -- Dave Barry
• There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
  -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  -- A. Whitney Brown
• Time's fun when you're having flies.
  -- Kermit the Frog
• Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what The Man is doing TO you.
  --Jim Rosenberg
• If I had a dog, I'd train him to kill on command. And the command I'd use would be, "Is he friendly?"
  --R.M. Weiner
• My wife says I am not ambitious enough. I suppose I could find someone more supportive, but why bother?
  --Jim Rosenberg
• Isn't it wonderful to live in a country where anyone can grow up to sleep with the President?
  --Kevin Freels
• If Otis Redding was sittin' by the dock of the bay, he could have helped out with the boats or gotten a job in one of the gift shops instead of just wasting time. That's what's wrong with America.
  --Jim Rosenberg
• *What* you know is not as important as *who* you know. But what you know about who you know is where the REAL money is.
  --Jonathan D. Colan
• If all the ruminations and ponderances were laid end to end along the equator, they would most likely go around in a really big circle.
  --Ed Smith
• Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can only eat for 30 minutes on break.
  --Lev L. Spiro
• It's too bad the Southern Hemisphere can't split off and join the Northern Hemisphere for a truly International Spring celebration. But then aliens might mistake us for Dolly Parton's bra.
  --Dave Wesley
• When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
  --Yogi Berra
• If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
  --Vince Lombardi
• Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
  --Yogi Berra
• Two rights don't make a wrong, but three will get you back on the freeway.
  --James Wesley Jackson
• Football combines two of the worst things about American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
  --George Will
• Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of.
  David Moser
• Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
  --Andy Rooney
• Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
  --Ernie Kovacs
• A physicist visits a colleague and notices a horseshoe hanging on the wall above the entrance. "Do you really believe that a horseshoe brings luck?" he asks. "No," replies the colleague, "but I've been told that it works even if you don't believe in it."
  --Told by Niels Bohrs