If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press "2".

If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Don't press any buttons -- we'll trace the call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 if you have short-term memory loss, press 9, if you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.