Musical Humor
Q: How is lightning like a cellist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a cello case.

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
A1: The cello burns longer.
A2: The cello holds more beer.
A3: You can tune the violin.

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

Q: Why do cellists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
A: They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

Q: What's the difference between a washing machine and a cellist?
A: Vibrato.

Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the cello?
A: It saves time.

Q: How can you tell when a cellist is playing out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: Why is playing the cello like peeing in your pants?
A: They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

Q: Why is a cello solo like a bomb?
A: By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Q: Why do cellists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
A1: So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
A2: If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

Q: Why don't cellists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.

Q: Why do cellists smile when they play?
A: Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed cello in the road?
A: Skid marks before the skunk.

Q: How do you get a violin to sound like a cello?
A1: Sit in the back and don't play.
A2: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

Q: A conductor and a cellist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why?
A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Q: What do a cello and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: What is the range of a cello?
A: As far as you can kick it.

Q: What do a SCUD missile and a cello player have in common?
A: They're both offensive and inaccurate.

Q: Why are cellos so large?
A: It's an optical illusion. It's not that the cellos are large; just that the cello players' heads are so small.

Q: What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

Q: Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a minivan with three cellos in it?
A: You could fit in at least one more.

Q: What's the difference between the first and last desk of a cello section?
A1: Half a measure.
A2: A semi-tone.

Q: Why can't you hear a cello on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Q: Did you hear about the cellist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
A: The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Q: Why can't a cellist play with a knife in his back?
A: Because he can't lean back in his chair.

Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by cello recitals.

Q: What do you call a bunch of cellists in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.

Q: Did you hear about the cellist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.

Q: What is the main requirement at the "International Cello Competition?"
A: Hold the cello from memory.

Q: Why did the cellist marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.

Q: How do you transcribe a violin piece for cello?
A: Divide the metronome marking by 2.

A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the cellists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the cellist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "Cello left hand, bow right."

A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.

As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.

The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!"

The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed cellists."

A cello player decides that he's had enough of being a cello player -- unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments.

He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a violin."

The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a cello player."

The cello player is astonished, and says, "Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?"

"Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop."

An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair cellist.

The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said.

"No problem," replied the cellist.

"There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold."

"I know. It'll be all right."

The cellist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the cellist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.

At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the cellist took his place at the back of the cello section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you *been* for the last two weeks?"

Once there was a cellist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.

"For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.

The cellist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."

The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal cellist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie.

"You have two more wishes!" he said.

"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"

Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the cellist awoke, he found he was now the principal cellist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the cellist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie.

"This is your last wish." the genie said.

"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"

Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of cellists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one cellist every hour.

A noted bon vivant and comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great cellist joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a cellist".

"That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!"

One day Timmy came home from school very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!"

His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a cellist."

The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"

"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a cellist."

On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a cellist?"

"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 26 years old."

For sale: Cello, German, 19th century. Excellent condition. Recently tuned.

And as if that wasn't enough, OTHER INSTRUMENTS

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A: A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high!

Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A: No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Q: Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
A: Violins don't have spit valves.

Q: Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
A: You might bend the nail.

Q: Why is a cello larger than a violin?
A: It's not -- the violinist's head is bigger.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other,"Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.

Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
A1: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
A2: The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
A3: The grip.

Q: What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
A: The exhaust.

Q: What do you call a woman who follows the New York Symphony around?
A: A symphomaniac

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Q: What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.

Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
A: He's too sensitive.

Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
A1: Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
A2: It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

Q: What is a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

Q: What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
A: The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

Q: How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
A: His hat says "Domino's Pizza".

Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: "Year-At-A-Glance."

Q: How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
A: He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.

Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: Both suck when you plug them in.

Q: What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music

Q: What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
A: About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.

The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Q: Why did the Philharmonic disband?
A: Excessive sax and violins