Blondes

 Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

Q: What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but never actually see them.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Did you hear about the Blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could also listen to it in the afternoon.

Q: What do you call a Blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do a Blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone. Terribly alone.

Q: What do you call a Blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call it when a Blonde dies her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why do Blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because silly, that's where you're SUPPOSED to wash vegetables!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: Why do Blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a Blonde passenger?
A: So you can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What was the Blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Why should Blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another Blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the Blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

Q: Why do Blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Like, I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a Blonde?
A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.

Q: How do Blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: Why don't Blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: Why don't Blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head into the jar.

Q: Why don't Blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They can't find the pull tab.

Q: How did the Blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the Zamboni machine.

Q: Why do Blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a Blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a Blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What does a Blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What is it called when a Blonde blows in another Blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What did the Blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag)?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Q: What do you call 15 Blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you do when a Blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What do you do when a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Heck....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: If a Blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The Blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a Blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: Why do Blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forget to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: How many Blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A: Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.

Q: What do you get when you offer a Blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: Why does a Blonde change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: How did the Blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How does a Blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: Why did the Blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said 'From 2-4 years'.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a Blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What's a Blonde's favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Why do Blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

Q: How do you make a Blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

Q: What do you call a Blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: How did the Blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: Why do Blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A Blonde electrician.

Q: Why are dumb Blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because Blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.

Q: What did the Blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: What job function does a Blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the Blonde proofreader got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why did the Blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What do you call a Blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What does a Blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: Why did the Blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A Blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Did you hear about the Blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see 'Closed for the Winter'.

Q: What did they name the offspring of a Blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

Q: Did you hear about the Blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

A Blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh well!" and turned around and drove home. On her way home the she drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

A brunette and a Blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The Blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

A policeman pulled a Blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving!

Two Blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other Blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and a half hour later they are both killed by the train.

Two Blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said, but Saint Peter said not to worry, he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The Blonde thought for a few minutes, then her eyes lit up and she replied "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" asked Saint Peter
She sang, "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

Did you hear about the Blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia...

Two Blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a Blonde in the middle of the field rowing a boat. The driver Blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's Blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other Blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

Q: What did the Blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a Blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: What does a Blonde think innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: How do you confuse a Blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How did the Blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the Blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a Blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why do Blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do all Blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why don't Blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't Blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't Blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: They can't find the number 11 on the telephone.

Q: What does a Blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What does a Blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: Why did the Blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the Blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the Blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the Blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: What are the worst six years in a Blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Blondes.

Q: Why is the Blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

A Blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

A Blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the Blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for Blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of Blondes laying sod across the street."

Did you hear about the Blonde who: Q: How do you keep a Blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: What do you call a Blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.

Q: What does Dr. McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a Blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: What can strike a Blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: How many Blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: Why couldn't the Blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know which ONE came first...

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: Far-from-thinkin'

Q: What happened to the Blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!

A Blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she likes it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look as good after it was taken out of the crate.

A Blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM. Signed, The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one Blonde would do this to another."

Two Blondes living in Oklahoma are sitting on a bench talking. One asks the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other Blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"

The Blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station and tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is running smoothly.

She asks, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She gets a puzzled look on her face, "How often do I have to do that?"

The police officer stops a Blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely to see her license.

She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

A highway patrolman pulls alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he is astounded to see that the Blonde behind the wheel is knitting! Realizing that she's oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranks down his window, turns on his bullhorn and yells, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the Blonde yells back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A Blonde is out for a walk and enjoying the day. She comes to a river and sees another Blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side of the river?"

The second Blonde looks up the river, then she looks down the river. She shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde are talking one day. The Russian says, "We were the first in space!"

The American says, "So what? We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde says, "That's nothing! Blondes will be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American look at each other and in unison say, "Blondes...!" The Russian, in exasperation, says "'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"

The Blonde flounces her hair and replies, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A Blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, so she rolled the dice and landed on 'Science & Nature'. The question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it running or not?"

The Blonde acquired two new dogs, naming them 'Rolex' and 'Casio'. A friend asked her why the strange names.

"HELLLOOOOOOO......" answered the Blonde. "They're watch dogs!"